Am I Being Punished?

Isn't that exactly what most of us think when these things start happening?  When everything starts falling apart.   Based on what we were taught, that's our first thought.  We must have been so horrible that this is what we deserve. We base all our thoughts on that old punishment/reward system and turn in on ourselves

 Many of us were raised with the belief or lack of belief of our parents.  We acquired their image of God and what they were taught, be it right or wrong.  My dad was schooled by the old Jesuits. Deprivation, superhuman strength, and  duty were the hallmarks of his schooling.  He was taught and shared with us the belief  that failure was not an option because it would bring shame upon yourself and the family.  If you did fail, then it was your fault and it meant you were somehow weak and you were lacking in virtue. You made your bed, now lay in it. Suffer the consequences in silence. There would be no consolation or support for a fall.  It was obviously supposed to be a lesson in being strong and self sufficient.  It was meant to build character.  It was meant to teach us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and persevere. These aren't entirely bad qualities to have, a strong character,  but notice it required that we do all the work.  That we be exceptionally strong and carry our burdens alone.  We were taught that our parents and God were pleased with this.  The goal was not to be a burden on anyone....not mom and dad, not God, and never to be a burden on society.   We were to "take pride" in this, being self-sufficient and strong and never needing help.  God was watching from a distance to keep track of our falls, and would be ready to strike at a moments notice if need be to keep us in line and on track. We would be judged on the strength and endurance with which we handled our trials on our own.  The trials were sent by God, the "Taskmaster", to test us in our prideful strength.   That was really the essence of faith, to avoid the vengeance of God and prove our worth to Him in a rather unhealthy way. There was never any mention of the love of God.  That didn't enter in to the "lesson".   It was terribly out of balance....I look back now and see that my dad was using spiritual exercises meant for adults on children! (I don't even know if they use those for adults anymore!) I know he meant well. He wanted to raise tough, self sufficient children with strong wills and that he did.  There was just one thing lacking....unconditional love and mercy.
The bottom line is that what was intended for good created the fruit of sinful pride, sinful self-sufficiency and control and a very unhealthy fear of God.   We were taught to literally fear God.  We were not taught the true meaning of  "Fear of the Lord"  which is to be in "awe" of His power, His love, His providence, His mercy which would inspire us to love and trust in Him.  What many people are living in today is causing them to avoid God and fear punishment. They are living in shame over their apparent failures and inability to be good enough to be considered worthy.   They are consoling themselves in their suffering and trials and even failing at that.  Suffering, which is supposed to draw us closer to God and His love,  is driving them away in shame and fear.  People are trying to handle their purifications alone and being led into darkness and despair due to false beliefs and a gross misunderstanding of God.

It is so sad that many people live with this belief.  It is sad because when suffering does come, which it always does, it is so much more painful than need be.  This is why we fear.  I lived in fear of something "bad" happening my entire life.  I built my life precisely to avoid and keep at bay the "bad" things. Given the above mode of thinking, I knew if something bad should make its way through, I would have to handle it on my own. Especially if the bad thing was due to a bad decision or mistake on my part.  God was watching, but He wasn't there to help. He was "over there".  I have to laugh now at some advice I received from my brother years ago.  I was cutting his hair and expressing all of my concerns, my stress.  My husband worked out of town, so taking care of the kids must have been wearing on me.  Neither my brother nor I  were going to church at the time.  His answer when I was all done venting was "you need to start drinking." 

Under these circumstances, who wouldn't be afraid every day?  Who wouldn't be tempted to start drinking?  Who can be expected to carry every cross on their own?  Jesus didn't even carry the cross by himself.  Why were we led to believe we had to?  I have no idea.  What I do know now is that it was wrong.  It bred a huge population of shame and fear based Catholics/Christians who saw no need for faith or the Church. It created the opposite of the intended effect.     

It was my mother getting cancer when I was 31 years old that brought me back to the Church. I had been away for 10 years.  Fr. Benedict Groeschel calls this "the awakening" in his book Spiritual Passages:

"Except for those who have always lived a devout life in highly religious circumstances, most people undergo an awakening, i.e., one or a series of memorable experiences of the reality of the intangible.  The experience may be consoling or threatening, or both.  It often occurs in circumstances which appear commonplace:  a meeting with a stranger, a wedding, a funeral, a visit to a church or hospital, or to the sea.  Aspects of reality which have not been seen previously now leap into prominence.  It may be a very intimate awareness of the Father or the Son or the Holy Spirit as a personal presence, or it may be a sudden, frightening encounter with the self.  The awakening is also often an experience of light and darkness, of conflict and contrast.  One is pulled in both directions, lifted up and cast down." 

My mothers illness was full of the miraculous. God, Jesus, the Blessed Mother were present to us in an unbelievable way!  Up to that point, I had no idea God acted directly in our lives in such a personal and loving way.  It was the beginning of my conversion. 

I began to practice my faith, prayed the Rosary daily, taught Religious Ed at my parish, joined the healing ministry due to all the miracles I witnessed in my mom's illness...I thought things were going fine.  I have no doubt that Heaven was rejoicing over one repentant sinner.  What I didn't realize, or even really care about to be honest, was that God loved me so much that He desired wholeness and healing for me.....things I didn't even realize I needed.  Apparently, it was time to take the next step in this journey.

The one sided relationship we had, servant/master, wasn't enough for Him.  He wanted me to trust Him, not just try to control and please Him with my prayers to keep the "bad" stuff at bay and do as I was told to prove my worth.  There's a big difference.  He didn't want our relationship to be rooted in  fear, shame, and immaturity.   I suppose there could have been a softer, more gentle way of getting His point across, but He knows me too well.... I required a complete undoing and rework.  All of my training in self sufficiency and control were tough nuts to crack.  My weakness was fear. Fear is usually seen as a weakness, but in the spiritual life, it is a very powerful negative spirit.   I understand He did love me unconditionally, even with my sin, fear, shame, control and self sufficiency... but God isn't a "it's good enough" sort of Father.  He knew there was something better, the true child of God that He had created...lurking under the surface with no idea how to come out.

What Father doesn't want the best for his children?  So that is when my purification experience started...what Fr. Groeschel coined as "the first darkness." It felt an awful lot like punishment.