Shame-The Silent Killer

Shame? A Killer?  What does that have to do with all of this?  
I mentioned in my previous post that I discovered emotional health is very important for spiritual health. Poor emotional health can distort and destroy faith.  Proper emotional health can be a positive attribute to our faith.  Emotions should not rule our life or our faith, our will should supersede them.  When we are unhealthy, it's the other way around.  Our unhealthy emotions can create an "old wineskin."  When suffering does come, it acts as a match thrown on gasoline....

Shame is prevalent in so many people today, but remains almost unnoticed. At least it isn't noticed for what it really is.  It manifests in so many different ways that it's hard to pinpoint it.  It is the "Silent Killer" of souls.

I had no idea I was living in shame. Wasn't shame a sort of humility?  Wasn't to feel shame all the time a protection against pride?  It only came to me after much prayer and gnashing of teeth.  I finally asked God directly..."why do I believe in You, pray to You, but can't seem to accept and experience this "freedom" Jesus promised?"  I thought the yoke was supposed to be light, yet I was feeling anything but!  I woke up the next morning and immediately heard the word "Shame."  It was a revelation to say the least.  It was liberating to know there was a name for what I was experiencing. 

Armed with this one word, "shame", I set out to investigate what this obvious enemy really was.   I needed a definition to understand it, then I could see how it was affecting my spiritual life, my relationship with God.  The weight of this "purification" was crushing and I was near hopeless.  Prayer really was not offering any consolation, especially when done in fear.  It bothered me that I was not handling this any better than someone with no faith at all.  Wasn't faith supposed to support us in difficulty?  Something in me was definitely lacking and this new "lead" was an answer to prayer.

The following is a list of characteristics of those who suffer from shame. It can be the root of unhealthy emotions.   If you see yourself in any of them, or all of them, you may want to investigate further.

•  Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.  This leads to the creation of  a "false self".
• They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
  
•  Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. It can be masked as "humility" in the spiritual life.  
  
• Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.
  
•  Adults shamed as children may appear shameless, grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless, giving and appear to be a martyr.
  
•  Adults shamed as children feel that, “No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable. I don't matter".
  
•  Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
  
• Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed
•  Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
  
•  Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives. "On the outside looking in." Never feel "normal."
  
•  Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
  
•  Adults shamed as children often feel angry and hostile. This can lead to shaming others.
  
•  Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing, makeup, obsessive dieting in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
  
• Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from negativity within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
  
•  Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. They have an over heightened sense of responsibility.   This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
•  Adults shamed as children experience depression but rarely know why.
•  Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others to avoid punishment, judgment, humiliation.
•  Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like excessive work, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making, gambling, video gaming, computer addiction.
  
•  Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
•  Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualize (corruption of truth) obsessively as a defense against pain.
  
•  Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or co-dependency.
• Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.   

Well, this explained the heavy yoke I was feeling.   I was led in prayer to discover where this came from....how I arrived at this point.   I know much is made about it being all about you, too much about self these days. Everything seems to be self-centered.  In this case, because of how damaging this sort of shame is and it's ability to keep you from a healthy, loving relationship with God and others, God was leading me to take a good look at myself and discover who I really was, the truth. How can you know you are a child of God, how can you feel like a child of God, if you don't even know who you are?  Knowing I was a child of God wasn't important to me, I was just who everyone needed me to be to keep the peace and make them happy my whole life.  I was good at "fixing" things.  I was trying to use these defective relationship skills with God.  Whoever or whatever He needed me to be to get the job done, I could do it. I didn't need anything from Him. That was selfish. I could provide for myself.  This relationship was supposed to be about me serving Him.   I didn't realize that identity is very important to God.  We are created in His image, so our true identity is essential for a healthy relationship with Him above all, and others.  Shame causes us to create many false identities as protection and therefore, the truth of who we were created to be is lost. 

Through much prayer, I was led to see how shame was just part of life growing up.  Shame was an acceptable way to discipline, control, and form children at home and in the Catholic schools.  Shame was also the fruit of dysfunctional families.  This is not healthy shame that's being discussed, this is what they refer to as "toxic" shame.  

Some of the more common sources of shame that I discovered are:

• Lack of unconditional love and acceptance from parents, siblings
  
• Being teased, criticized, judged, reprimanded for normal childhood things, our bodies, our personalities...things generally out of our control.
  
• Being rejected/abandoned by mom or dad or both, whether due to blatant rejection or one or both parents being too busy and consumed with self interests to parent properly, immature parenting.
  
• Divorce 
• Keeping the "family secret"
  
• Alcoholism, drug abuse, addictions, sexual abuse
• Confusing love with pity.  Always being treated as a helpless victim.  This tells the person there must be something wrong with them if they are being  pitied for no apparent reason.  Creates self-pity.
• Excessive control exerted with threat of punishment
• Demand for perfection to please parents/people/God
• Public humiliation/having weaknesses exposed publicly as punishment to encourage change.  Being exploited.
  
• Being made to feel responsible for someone else's happiness, or misery
• Being refused support, encouragement, compliments as a means to make you strong
• Poverty; being shamed for what you didn't have
• Being made to always be "nice", irregardless of true feelings.
  

After reading these, it is easy to see how fear and shame work together. I have always known that I suffered from fear, that was obvious.  But where the fear was coming from was always elusive.  This discovery was encouraging, yet daunting.  My whole life was built on this foundation, this was the image I was formed in.  So what now?  I had many questions for God.  I was struggling with anger towards Him, also. 

It is frightening to become vulnerable to God, to trust Him, to allow Him to love you.  Pervasive feelings of worthlessness make it nearly impossible. It is often said that God loves us just the way we are.  How can we believe that when those who were supposed to love us just the way we were couldn't?  If we experienced love as a child only when we were good, perfect, skinny, smart, healthy, successful.... what does that say?  If we made a mistake and were punished...physically, emotionally or both, how can we trust and bring our faults to God and trust in His mercy?   How can we believe that He will forgive us when we were shown no mercy? We can't even forgive ourselves for not being who we were supposed to be to please others, we're a disappointment.   How can we step out and take risks, actually live, when the fear of criticism, judgment and persecution loom.  If we were told we were worthless, why even bother?   Life can become very little and frightening under these circumstances and if there is any faith, it is rooted in fear.  Fear of God, fear of God's punishment, fear of displeasing God and falling out of His good graces, fear of something bad happening if we are not perfect and sinless.   That isn't even humanly possible!   Being rooted in shame gives us an entirely false image of God.  We can easily project our ideas, experience, relationships on to God and begin to see Him as a fearful enemy.  The purification we were in the midst of was definitely magnifying these issues.

This is what God was trying to show me....why I needed healing.  He knew many of these issues were in my heart and it was keeping me from accepting His love and trusting Him.  It kept me from even needing His love.  He knew I needed His love.  I don't think many people even realize that they actually need the love of God.  We may have lived our entire lives never even considering it...never even believing it possible.  To "need" love in the mind of a person suffering from shame is equal to needing pain and disappointment.   Best to avoid it all together.  It is nice that God loves us, a nice thought.  We aren't able to accept it personally though. 

To keep up that false identity that you create to protect yourself and please everybody all those years is difficult to maintain and to let go of.   It's a stronghold. A fortress. A lie.  It's built that way for a reason, to withstand every attack of shame, or to thwart attacks.  Living in shame, and building my life to protect against shame were quite natural.  I never knew any different way of life. It appeared to be a family tradition.  Shame had become my identity.  I really did not know there was something better.   I guess it could be likened to living with high blood pressure.  It's a disease that you live with day in and day out and most people don't even realize it.   The whole time you're living with it though, the damage is being done silently. That is what I see shame as, only a disease of the soul. It causes tremendous damage, but it is almost undetectable.  Symptoms pop up here and there, but you never quite know what the actual problem is.  All you know is that you feel miserable and things don't appear to be working as they should be.  You can become comfortable with misery.  

There are many good books written about Shame.  It is good to educate yourself about it in order to begin to be free of it.  Prayer is vitally important also.  It is important to pray for healing-for yourself.   This healing can be a very difficult process in it's own rite. It is important that it be done with much prayer!  Many don't want to face it let alone go through it.  I would have much preferred God just smack me with a quick healing, but no.  It had to be a road traveled, no shortcuts.  I asked God in prayer one day why this had to be so painful, long, difficult in spite of everything else going on. Could He possibly budget it out for me?  It was almost like a perfect storm going on.....things were being lost (home, jobs, identity) and gained (insight, understanding, confusion) at the same time...it was overwhelming.  His reply was:

"You arrived at this point as a result of negative life experiences.  I cannot take those away, but I can replace the memory of them with new experiences that will lead you to love, healing and restoration in ME.  My desire is that when trial or misfortune does come, you will not recall the fear and shame you felt previously and feel alone and despondent.  You will recall only my love and providence due to these new experiences I am creating for you.  You will trust Me." 

God is very good.  He does give us what we need, not what we want.  His wisdom in all things never ceases to amaze me.  Everything He allows truly is out of love.  It doesn't feel that way  because we are unfamiliar with real love.  We have to accept it.  God does not violate our free will.  It does not just happen automatically.  If we choose to live in misery for fear of surrendering, then God will allow it.  He does not choose it, we do. 
Jeremiah 29:

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart.